The post I wasn't going to write

I started to write yesterday morning.  But everything stood in my way.  Bowls of cereal, a round of apple juice and everything else that goes into a Saturday morning here.  And I was so frustrated, because I just wanted to write.  I just wanted to share my story but it wasn't happening.

And then tonight I realized exactly why.

Because my story isn't what is important.  God's story is.  My story isn't what this blog is about.  But somehow, through my story God allows me to tell you His story.

His story begins over the summer when I finally decided to quit trying and to obey instead.  That began the journey that led me to leaving the business that my mom and I had built.  Which led me to standing at the twilight of August wondering what I would do with my time.

{I'm telling you, God just laughed!}

I was sitting on a picnic bench with a friend one day and we knew that the burden of both of our hearts - Marriage (mine, hers and everyone we knew) - had to be dealt with.  And by 'dealt with' I mean that it was time to put some feet to what God was telling us to do.  We began to pray for leading and direction - both of which we received - and we began to pray for our own marriages.  Because you simply can't be walking in God's will without that dumb Satan guy trying to put a stop to it. 

And then somewhere in the middle of learning the new routine of a child in Kindergarten, and volunteering at Camp Barakel, and helping my parents get settled into their new house, and long work hours and everything else that went into September our marriage took a hit.  And I can remember being shocked and upset and angry - yet also having this incredible sense of calm.  Because God was in control.  We both belong to Him, He wasn't going to let this fail.  And over and over again I kept hearing Him say "Laura, let me be glorified through this."  And I think that he has been.

It wasn't long after that time that we found out that TDM's mom had Pancreatic Cancer.  Stage 4.  Bad.  And so began a trip to Mayo clinic, and some waiting, and a trip to Ann Arbor and some treatment and eventually extensive illness.

And one day Wednesday morning I sat down at the computer to do a few things and discovered that my husbands email account was chocked full of messages that we won't even talk about.  I was horrified.  And I couldn't really see through all of that to see the Lord telling me to look to Him rather than that computer screen.  But eventually I did - and it was evident that it was all the fault of a hate filled email hacker.  I was emotionally drained, but thankfully God saw us through.

And somewhere in there fell a lice outbreak, which was quickly followed by another because I didn't know that most over the counter products are immune to those nasty things.  But thankfully the internet allows for some awesome information and I have a wonderful friend that helped me to put everything back together after I literally washed the entire house at the Laundromat one afternoon.  All just one more stress that I just didn't need.

Then came the day that I was rushing to get Smiley Girl out of the house and she went one way, my toe went another and the rest of that story is waiting to be told.  And I just wanted to cry, because I don't need this!  Me, me, me...I didn't have time for this crap of pain and limping and self care.  I have things to do after all.  Important things.  Urgent things.  ME things.

Right?

Wrong.

And we left the church that we have attended for 12 years (because we are learning that when God says to do something it is much easier to just obey).  Then came Thanksgiving, and a furnace that quit, and then phone calls needing help with TDM's mom became the norm.  To the point that I was (am) afraid for the phone to ring.  And I have felt so incredibly helpless and stretched through the last months.  Because I don't do sickness - in myself or others.  Except that I have had to, because in the middle of 'for better or worse' lay a lot of ground and caring for his loved ones falls in there. 

So whether it be a run for rations, holding her hand at the hospital, praying over her, running this way and that way and everywhere in between I have tried to do it.  Because that is what love does.

The phone call and visit that we have prayed for and hoped for, for nearly two years, came in the midst of all of our crazy.  And at one point I would have tried to manipulate this twelve ways for Sunday.  I have not even a speck of energy to manipulate.  I just want to see God's will unfold.

Then the flu came to our house, and all of the ideas that I held for my daughter's first Christmas break turned into "Thank you Jesus that I don't have to try to drive a child to and from school this week."

So I find myself somewhere between a pity party - WHO has this much happen in four short months?! - and an undeniable need that can only be quenched by God.

And the 'dealt with' for Marriage debuts in February - in spite of me - because God spoke and we obeyed.  And I just want Him to be glorified through every bit of this last month of planning, through the last minute details and the things that just simply aren't going to work when it comes down to V-day.  (Get it?)  ;)

Because at the end of a long day, or an incredibly long few months, I just need Jesus.  And He just needs me letting Him have all the glory.