Thoughts.

I can't even count the number of times that I have started to write. I see a flash of insight and can't wait to get it onto paper (er...screen) but something seems to stand between my brain and my fingers.

And after sitting on the couch all day I got up, walked 20 minutes on the treadmill, took a shower and decided to take advantage of the house that is never quiet, being quiet, to write.

I've been doing really great this winter. The holidays were good - I knew ahead of time that they are often a depression trigger and set my expectations low. I know that I had a few days that were so-so but I don't recall the super low feeling that I've had in past years. I think a huge part of that has to do with moving Christmas celebrations to our house. I'm busy preparing, cooking, entertaining and then cleaning up so my hands and mind aren't idle.

January started out well. I have been doing a Bible study on my own and have been loving both the structure it gives me for my quiet time and the way that it has me digging deeply into my Bible. (People Get Ready by Heidi St John) My days have been a mixture of quiet and busy with a good mix of housework, schoolwork and work work mixed in. The girls have gotten involved in kids and youth groups and being their chauffer has kept me moving.

{ Photo Credit }

At some point this past week it happened though. The days went from me appreciating that they were on the quieter side to feeling like I'm stuck. I have more projects that I want to do than I could ever complete on my own - I just can't kick myself into gear to work on anything that requires a time and concentration. I can think of things to do but without the state being fully open it doesn't make sense.

I mean "Hey, let's go shopping out of town tomorrow" has a whole different meaning when dressing rooms and restaurants are closed. So...why bother, right? And then when I do step out of the house I'm reminded of all things Covid. Add to that that I feel cloudy if any project requires more than a few steps. I just can't concentrate. Add to it that I want to be alone but I don't want to feel alone.

And I think that may be where the trigger lies. Everything has changed in the last year. Where I would have scheduled friend dates in years past everyone is antsy. The question of whether or not they are comfortable meeting comes up. Old friends are busy or protecting a loved one. New friends are hard to connect with when there is literally no where other than outside to meet. Its much easier to say "Hey, let's meet at with Mc Donald's with our clowns" than it is to say "Want to come for lunch? My house is always a pigsty but we don't have any symptoms!"

I don't think it's just that either. I think that as a nation we've been through the wringer and there have been some unknowingly drawn lines. No matter which side of the aisle you find yourself it's becoming harder and harder to share your thoughts without fear of offending someone.

Our world is so different today than it was a year ago. A year ago we went where we wanted without fear of an unseen virus. A year ago we freely shared opinions. A year ago the only 'positive' anyone was concerned with was a pregnancy test and it certainly wasn't something we communicated to everyone we came in contact with.

So I'm concluding that as much as it is the January blahs hitting me - it's also grief.

Grief for what we had before, for what we may never have again and for all of the things that we haven't been able to do in the past year. Just think of the hugs that we've lost! That human connection is vital to our health.

For today, for me, I'm giving myself grace. If the house isn't what I want it to be, it's okay. If dinner is a little later than I envisioned, it's okay. If the best that I can do for the day is hang out on the couch, it's okay. Because soon enough the desire to do those things well will return. And the sun will shine all afternoon again and life will change again.

And it's going to be okay.