Thoughts
My brother mentioned yesterday that my blog has been pretty neglected lately. I have been thinking about it but I haven't taken the time to do anything about it. I have started to write a couple of times but before I can get whatever I'm thinking about turned into words that anything other than my crazy mind can understand I get called away. And truthfully, the whole world just seems all jumbled up and I don't know where to begin.
This morning I am wide awake and I can't seem to settle back down to sleep. I know that I'm going to pay for this later this morning when my girls are awake and needing me but I just can't fall asleep. Reading, surfing the internet, watching tv...none of them sound appealing. I just want to sleep.
But I can't.
So here goes ~
The big red dog went to doggy heaven two days ago. He was so sick and it was clear that he was not going to improve. TDM's mom and dad were so kind to care for him these last few weeks and I appreciate them so much. When the final day came TDM was on the road but both of his parents went with me to the vet. It sucked.
The big red truck did not make it's final trip in June. It became clear that God had (and has!) another plan for the trucking business. We hit a hurdle when the person that was going to buy the old truck kind of backed out of the sale. At the same time the bank offered not quite what we were praying for as far as financing. AND the hay crops that we count on each year to haul have only produced about half of their normal harvest. The three factors together made it clear that jumping into a newer truck and another payment were not the direction that God wanted us to go right now. We did replace a trailer this month with a slightly newer one that is in much better shape.
I continue to feel like I'm sitting on the fence with my business. My mom and I have worked together for so many years and I feel like I'm not giving her the definite answer that she needs but at the same time I feel like either God isn't giving me the answer that I need or perhaps I'm not listening to what he is telling me. I don't want our family to depend on me for income. I want to be with my girls and not have to deal with the stress that comes from schedules and babysitters and rushing through life because there is somewhere else that I have to be. But I also struggle because the days with the girls get long at times and having a purpose to leave the house is nice. Having the income is nice too - I feel more in control and that I don't have to feel guilty when I want to buy something or do something. Overall I feel like I'm afraid to step out of the role that has defined me for so long. If I'm not an Abstracter and a mom then I'm 'just' a mom. Which is funny to hear myself write but I have a suspicion that any woman who has ever struggled to make this decision knows where I am coming from. Our society puts so much onto what we DO rather than who we ARE.
So, there you have it - my thoughts this early Saturday morning in late July. :)
This morning I am wide awake and I can't seem to settle back down to sleep. I know that I'm going to pay for this later this morning when my girls are awake and needing me but I just can't fall asleep. Reading, surfing the internet, watching tv...none of them sound appealing. I just want to sleep.
But I can't.
So here goes ~
The big red dog went to doggy heaven two days ago. He was so sick and it was clear that he was not going to improve. TDM's mom and dad were so kind to care for him these last few weeks and I appreciate them so much. When the final day came TDM was on the road but both of his parents went with me to the vet. It sucked.
The big red truck did not make it's final trip in June. It became clear that God had (and has!) another plan for the trucking business. We hit a hurdle when the person that was going to buy the old truck kind of backed out of the sale. At the same time the bank offered not quite what we were praying for as far as financing. AND the hay crops that we count on each year to haul have only produced about half of their normal harvest. The three factors together made it clear that jumping into a newer truck and another payment were not the direction that God wanted us to go right now. We did replace a trailer this month with a slightly newer one that is in much better shape.
I continue to feel like I'm sitting on the fence with my business. My mom and I have worked together for so many years and I feel like I'm not giving her the definite answer that she needs but at the same time I feel like either God isn't giving me the answer that I need or perhaps I'm not listening to what he is telling me. I don't want our family to depend on me for income. I want to be with my girls and not have to deal with the stress that comes from schedules and babysitters and rushing through life because there is somewhere else that I have to be. But I also struggle because the days with the girls get long at times and having a purpose to leave the house is nice. Having the income is nice too - I feel more in control and that I don't have to feel guilty when I want to buy something or do something. Overall I feel like I'm afraid to step out of the role that has defined me for so long. If I'm not an Abstracter and a mom then I'm 'just' a mom. Which is funny to hear myself write but I have a suspicion that any woman who has ever struggled to make this decision knows where I am coming from. Our society puts so much onto what we DO rather than who we ARE.
So, there you have it - my thoughts this early Saturday morning in late July. :)
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