Convicted
I sat in church last night, listening to the Pastor and thinking "Yeah, yep, he needs to hear this" "Yes, that's exactly what he needs to hear" and all manner of thoughts relating to how much my husband needed to hear that Bible passage, that message, those words. This went on forever. Me hearing, me comparing it some ill offense that my husband has committed and me wishing (again) that he was there to hear it. And finally the words broke through.
Because so do I.
It's easy for me to see his sin. It isn't so easy to see mine.
The Bible is pretty cut and dried when it comes to having idols. Just don't have them. I know his idols...and for both of our sakes I won't name them here. I know my idols too. I just don't call them by their real name. I call them by other names. Nice names that don't convict me of the fact that they really are just idols that stand between me and God. But one hit me so hard last night, so earth shatteringly loud, that I just couldn't sit there thinking about him and his problems anymore.
Finding my worth in my husbands responses to me has become an idol for me.
If he doesn't greet me with a hug, if he doesn't feel like talking, if he doesn't seem interested in my world, if I am not his priority - then my world is crushed. What I should be seeking for in my relationship with the Lord I am seeking from my husband.
I feel like I am not saying this well. All of those things are perfectly acceptable to want from your husband, and even better if you receive them, but building my world around them is wrong. He was never intended to fill the need of my heart for affirmation and love that only Jesus can fill.
I would really just like the man to sit down beside me and never move from that spot. I would like to be front and center in his world every second of the day. I would like him to sense every thought in my head without me ever having to speak it. But that's not reality. And it's not something that he is capable of doing. Even if we didn't have bills to pay, two little people demanding attention and life kicking us square in the tush it wouldn't be something that he is capable of. No man can do what only God is capable of.
This fall has been one of the toughest seasons ever for our marriage. We became disconnected over the summer by long hours and countless demands. The seams were fraying at every point and it took a crisis over a bad decision to bring us back together. Only God could work in the way that He did and is to get two heads on straight and I am so thankful for that! But it's not all roses the way that I think it should be.
Life goes on. And life, being life, is constantly changing. We made the decision to leave the church that we have attended since before we were married. While there are many things that contributed to our decision, it was the Lord telling us that he had something better in mind for our family to make use move.
As we finished out some commitments at Barakel and dealt with sick kids we haven't hurried to find a church. And then it wasn't long for the glow of a re-gluing to wear off and for life to kick us in the pants again. Three weeks ago our world was rocked when TDM's mom was diagnosed with metastasized Pancreatic cancer. Through tests and doctors appointments, shock and disbelief, she has wanted her boys by her side. And that's okay. They have needed to be by her side, talking, comforting, reliving memories. It's a good thing.
But selfishly in the midst of all of this I want my husband by my side whispering sweet nothings in my ear and affirming every part of me. I crave his support, even while knowing that he needs mine desperately. I want to know all of the unknowns of what we are facing in the coming days - so does he. I want my husband sitting beside me in church being convicted along side of me. I want our life to go back to normal. Whatever normal is.
And that's where the Lord broke through to me. This is another time that the Lord has to carry us. My husband can't be where my hope and affirmation comes from when his own hope and affirmation is hanging by a thread. Life smacks us hard and fast at times. Thankfully God has a bigger plan. And thankfully He is a forgiving God, who forgive the idols that I have built and hold my hand forever.
Because so do I.
It's easy for me to see his sin. It isn't so easy to see mine.
The Bible is pretty cut and dried when it comes to having idols. Just don't have them. I know his idols...and for both of our sakes I won't name them here. I know my idols too. I just don't call them by their real name. I call them by other names. Nice names that don't convict me of the fact that they really are just idols that stand between me and God. But one hit me so hard last night, so earth shatteringly loud, that I just couldn't sit there thinking about him and his problems anymore.
Finding my worth in my husbands responses to me has become an idol for me.
If he doesn't greet me with a hug, if he doesn't feel like talking, if he doesn't seem interested in my world, if I am not his priority - then my world is crushed. What I should be seeking for in my relationship with the Lord I am seeking from my husband.
I feel like I am not saying this well. All of those things are perfectly acceptable to want from your husband, and even better if you receive them, but building my world around them is wrong. He was never intended to fill the need of my heart for affirmation and love that only Jesus can fill.
I would really just like the man to sit down beside me and never move from that spot. I would like to be front and center in his world every second of the day. I would like him to sense every thought in my head without me ever having to speak it. But that's not reality. And it's not something that he is capable of doing. Even if we didn't have bills to pay, two little people demanding attention and life kicking us square in the tush it wouldn't be something that he is capable of. No man can do what only God is capable of.
This fall has been one of the toughest seasons ever for our marriage. We became disconnected over the summer by long hours and countless demands. The seams were fraying at every point and it took a crisis over a bad decision to bring us back together. Only God could work in the way that He did and is to get two heads on straight and I am so thankful for that! But it's not all roses the way that I think it should be.
Life goes on. And life, being life, is constantly changing. We made the decision to leave the church that we have attended since before we were married. While there are many things that contributed to our decision, it was the Lord telling us that he had something better in mind for our family to make use move.
As we finished out some commitments at Barakel and dealt with sick kids we haven't hurried to find a church. And then it wasn't long for the glow of a re-gluing to wear off and for life to kick us in the pants again. Three weeks ago our world was rocked when TDM's mom was diagnosed with metastasized Pancreatic cancer. Through tests and doctors appointments, shock and disbelief, she has wanted her boys by her side. And that's okay. They have needed to be by her side, talking, comforting, reliving memories. It's a good thing.
But selfishly in the midst of all of this I want my husband by my side whispering sweet nothings in my ear and affirming every part of me. I crave his support, even while knowing that he needs mine desperately. I want to know all of the unknowns of what we are facing in the coming days - so does he. I want my husband sitting beside me in church being convicted along side of me. I want our life to go back to normal. Whatever normal is.
And that's where the Lord broke through to me. This is another time that the Lord has to carry us. My husband can't be where my hope and affirmation comes from when his own hope and affirmation is hanging by a thread. Life smacks us hard and fast at times. Thankfully God has a bigger plan. And thankfully He is a forgiving God, who forgive the idols that I have built and hold my hand forever.
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