Words that I can't say
Monday morning I woke to the news of a car accident that took the life of a friend. Because God is God, and He does cool things we were able to attend his funeral which took place across the state. The night before the funeral I found myself unable to sleep and ended up grabbing pen and paper so that I could write down a few things that I would say if given the opportunity during John's funeral.
John was my brothers friend and I was always the kid sister hanging around. At one point I can remember the two of them tying me inside the back of my brother's pick up with a bungee cord - though looking back I realize that John had little to do with the actual bungee cord and a lot more to do with egging my brother on. His contagious smile made it hard to hold a grudge.
Over time, John became my friend. I will never forget the day that he rode along with me to pick up an order at Don's Drive-In because he understood that going somewhere new made me nervous. As we pulled into the alley he said "You gotta take it easy - this isn't a road. It is pot holes holding hands."
Another time John was living in an apartment downtown and when I stopped by to see him I teased him that the place looked pretty good he grinned that crazy grin and took me to the bathroom where every dish that he owned was in the bathtub. He explained that he started putting the dirty dishes in a 5 gallon pail but quickly realized that they wouldn't all fit.
We shared a birthday month and a love for anything chocolate.
It was John who gave me the nickname 'Two Stroke' because apparently my voice or the sound of me talking reminded him of a two stroke engine.
His dog Samantha, or 'Sammer Anner' as John called her, died on my watch. She also ate porcupine quills on my watch. And I shut her snout in the car window. I don't really know where we stood on me being forgiven.
John was a wonderful friend and the world will miss his sweet smile.
John struggled with a lot of things in his life, and it was easy for me to want to save him. After a few attempts though, I realized that John didn't need me. He needed a Savior. I really don't know if John ever made a decision to trust Jesus Christ as his personal Savior but I hope that he did. Hanging out in Heaven one day with John would be great fun.
I didn't get to share those words at the funeral. The pastor who did the funeral realized that everyone in attendance would have a story to share about John and asked instead for people to sum John up in one or two words. Words like 'smile, sweet tooth, fun loving, gentle, devious grin' and many others were thrown out. All of which were true.
And again, in the awesome way that God works, this world is really tiny and it turns out the the pastor who did John's funeral is the pastor of a church near where we live but he is also the cousin of John's widow. He has known John for the last five years and had personal knowledge of the fact that John had given his life to Jesus.
God NEVER fails!
It was a beautiful funeral. And a sad funeral, because John was only 45 years old and leaves behind so many who love him. And I find myself so torn right now.
You see, when I first learned of John's death I wasn't surprised. John has struggled with alcohol most of his life. He was been to jail, in countless accidents, lived many years without a drivers license, been sober, been drunk again and then back to sober. Which has always led back to drinking. It is hard to know where he is in that cycle at times. The news of his death wasn't something that I didn't expect and based on past history I immediately assumed that his accident was related to drinking.
It seems that the news media jumped to the same conclusion, quickly blaming the accident on alcohol and speed. I was a bit mad at John - and knowing John I could hear him saying 'Why not go out drunk, it's one thing that I'm good at.' I was angry, but accepting. If that makes sense.
But here is the kicker. John woke up Sunday morning, took his wife to work and lost his life on the way back home. By all appearances, John had not drinking at the time of his accident. He and his wife had recently been studying the Bible together and praying together. By all accounts, John had turned his life around. Which makes me more than a little frustrated.
After a lifetime lived the way that John did, he was finally getting it right. I can't help but wonder why God would choose to take him now. I can't help but think of the testimony that John could have as a life that was changed. And I'm a little amazed by how quickly my emotions have swung on this - from almost a quiet resolution that John had finally managed to kill himself because of alcohol to anger at a Holy God who choose to take his life now.
So, that's where I am. I don't understand and I don't know that I ever will. God is God. He is holy and just, jealous, amazing, loving and all knowing. His purposes aren't something that I can know. And I have to accept that - all while rejoicing that I will see John in Heaven!
John was my brothers friend and I was always the kid sister hanging around. At one point I can remember the two of them tying me inside the back of my brother's pick up with a bungee cord - though looking back I realize that John had little to do with the actual bungee cord and a lot more to do with egging my brother on. His contagious smile made it hard to hold a grudge.
Over time, John became my friend. I will never forget the day that he rode along with me to pick up an order at Don's Drive-In because he understood that going somewhere new made me nervous. As we pulled into the alley he said "You gotta take it easy - this isn't a road. It is pot holes holding hands."
Another time John was living in an apartment downtown and when I stopped by to see him I teased him that the place looked pretty good he grinned that crazy grin and took me to the bathroom where every dish that he owned was in the bathtub. He explained that he started putting the dirty dishes in a 5 gallon pail but quickly realized that they wouldn't all fit.
We shared a birthday month and a love for anything chocolate.
It was John who gave me the nickname 'Two Stroke' because apparently my voice or the sound of me talking reminded him of a two stroke engine.
His dog Samantha, or 'Sammer Anner' as John called her, died on my watch. She also ate porcupine quills on my watch. And I shut her snout in the car window. I don't really know where we stood on me being forgiven.
John was a wonderful friend and the world will miss his sweet smile.
John struggled with a lot of things in his life, and it was easy for me to want to save him. After a few attempts though, I realized that John didn't need me. He needed a Savior. I really don't know if John ever made a decision to trust Jesus Christ as his personal Savior but I hope that he did. Hanging out in Heaven one day with John would be great fun.
I didn't get to share those words at the funeral. The pastor who did the funeral realized that everyone in attendance would have a story to share about John and asked instead for people to sum John up in one or two words. Words like 'smile, sweet tooth, fun loving, gentle, devious grin' and many others were thrown out. All of which were true.
And again, in the awesome way that God works, this world is really tiny and it turns out the the pastor who did John's funeral is the pastor of a church near where we live but he is also the cousin of John's widow. He has known John for the last five years and had personal knowledge of the fact that John had given his life to Jesus.
God NEVER fails!
It was a beautiful funeral. And a sad funeral, because John was only 45 years old and leaves behind so many who love him. And I find myself so torn right now.
You see, when I first learned of John's death I wasn't surprised. John has struggled with alcohol most of his life. He was been to jail, in countless accidents, lived many years without a drivers license, been sober, been drunk again and then back to sober. Which has always led back to drinking. It is hard to know where he is in that cycle at times. The news of his death wasn't something that I didn't expect and based on past history I immediately assumed that his accident was related to drinking.
It seems that the news media jumped to the same conclusion, quickly blaming the accident on alcohol and speed. I was a bit mad at John - and knowing John I could hear him saying 'Why not go out drunk, it's one thing that I'm good at.' I was angry, but accepting. If that makes sense.
But here is the kicker. John woke up Sunday morning, took his wife to work and lost his life on the way back home. By all appearances, John had not drinking at the time of his accident. He and his wife had recently been studying the Bible together and praying together. By all accounts, John had turned his life around. Which makes me more than a little frustrated.
After a lifetime lived the way that John did, he was finally getting it right. I can't help but wonder why God would choose to take him now. I can't help but think of the testimony that John could have as a life that was changed. And I'm a little amazed by how quickly my emotions have swung on this - from almost a quiet resolution that John had finally managed to kill himself because of alcohol to anger at a Holy God who choose to take his life now.
So, that's where I am. I don't understand and I don't know that I ever will. God is God. He is holy and just, jealous, amazing, loving and all knowing. His purposes aren't something that I can know. And I have to accept that - all while rejoicing that I will see John in Heaven!
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