A crazy double church problematic(?) blessing

This photo isn't mine.  Truth be told, I don't even know where in the land of the internet I found it.  I'm fairly certain that it was a free image but even details on that are sketchy.  Sometimes when God speaks I don't stop to care a lot about the details of the temporary world.  I have a total love / hate relationship with Facebook.  Sometimes I'm leaving it forever, sometimes it's a place to connect.  Recently, my heart was so full that my status read this: 

                                  

"I take my eyes off of Jesus far too often, forget that I'm the follower not The Leader and being me, I stand in my own way fairly often.

Yesterday I felt dry, parched, empty, lost. God gave me a vision of a fire hydrant with water pouring out of it and impressed on my heart "It's there for you in a double portion, you need only come."

I don't expect this post to really make sense to anyone, I just know that this picture was a gift. I needed to drink life giving water today and God met me there abundantly. 

John 10:10"

If you were a fly on the wall of my home the last few days you would know that things weren't magical.  Quite honestly my husband was upset with me because I changed up our church routine.  I could bore you with the he/she saids but it comes down to this - we aren't on the same page of certain books right now.  That's hard on both of us.

My heart hopes that he will read this, my head knows that he hates to read.  Perhaps God will open the door for me to share my heart in a way that he can hear, perhaps that will never happen.  

Over the last year and more specifically the last six months I am meeting with God often.  It has become so much more and so much deeper than ever before.  It has been almost a full on absorption.  Things that I have never read before, things that I have never understood the significance of, things that He has chosen to show me...are becoming so real to me.  And over and over and over again I see that God just wants me!  Not because I'm anything spectacular but because I am His!  

God wants to go deep into the crevices of my heart, He wants ALL of my heart.  And as I have let him into areas that have been untouched since meeting Him in 1984 I just want...MORE.  I don't want a watered down feel good gospel, I don't want meet for an hour and call it good, I don't want flowery words on a page.  I want to experience Him!  I want to connect with Him!  I want to be surrounded by Him!  I want to talk about HIM with His people!

And one of the ways that has happened over these last months has been through a church that I haven't called my own. 

This is where the struggle comes in - both in my heart - and in my home.  Let me step back for a minute...

I grew up a Baptist girl.  That's where I began and where my family typically landed as we moved from one town to another.  But our physical moves caused us to change churches fairly often and sometimes those seemingly 'soft' landings in a particular denomination weren't where we were supposed to be, for a variety of reasons.  Sometimes when you look closer at a church you can see problems with teaching, leadership, very evident sin issues, etc.  (On a somewhat funny note, one church change was due to a physical, almost allergic reaction to the newly installed carpet by a family member.)  There were times when we did not have a church to call home.   Church change, church hopping, church whatever-ing isn't new to me - and what I know and have experienced first hand is that God's church has nothing to do with a building and a location.

On the other hand, my husband's family regularly attended church until they didn't anymore.  He and his brother were later involved with a church during their youth where he made a decision for Christ but through early adulthood into his post-military life he didn't have a church connection until we met and made the decision to attend church together regularly. 

I'll save ya the details but over the last 18 years we've been eradicated - roots and all - from two churches and determined the type of church that we do not want to attend. 😐  When we walked into our current church we were in terrible shape.  Our marriage was in major trouble, Tim was grieving his mom, our kids needed some stability and in the course of one hour the Lord used this church to hit on every need and want we had down to being a huge supporter of Christian camping ministries AND having chairs rather than pews!

Our church has been good to us.  Our kids have been loved on incredibly.  We have connected with other couples through small groups and it's been really good.  I was loved and supported while losing my mom in a way that I can only pray that you will be should you find yourself walking that same path.  I don't want to leave it - the people, the leadership - and I don't think we have to.  But Covid hit and it changed 'our' church the way that it changed churches everywhere.  And whether I - or you, or anyone else - like it, it's a fact.  The uncertainties and boat rocking of the past year IS our normal now, for as far ahead as we can see.  Physical aspects of the way the churches work within a building have changed; but more than anything  people have changed. 

How could you not after twelve months like no other?  

God's Word used words like sifting and shaking rather than distancing and flattening to tell us to expect this.  And what I see after this year is that faith has been tested - sifted and shaken.  And it has revealed that just like chaff remaining on the floor, many Christians have chosen to keep their faith 'safe' and on the surface.  To use another biblical illustration; their faith didn't have roots.  But then I see a group of believers who have a root system that is so steady, so strong that they KNOW who God is in an entirely different way today than they did then.  And there is no going back. 

That's where I see myself.  God has drawn me to Him and grown my roots deeper in many ways - and one of those ways was when I stepped through the doors of another church when ours wasn't physically open.  It was late Fall and I thought that I was desperate for human connection - it turned out that I was desperate for spiritual connection with humans.  To worship with another body of believers was incredible!  I came out of that service forever changed.  To think that I ended up there only because God had stripped away my usual comfortable and familiar routine.  

And that puts us back to the struggle ~ my husband didn't join me that morning.  He is a comfortable and familiar routine guy and I was switching that up.  My attitude and heart have not always been right on this subject - I have a smart mouth, an iron pride and all too often a hare trigger.  My words and my heart position have not always aligned with God's.  I have a long way to go even as I'm also closer than ever to Him. And so much of that process has been accepting that God may have more or different for me - all I have to do is follow His voice and show up.  Unfortunately the more that I am feeling pulled toward Jesus - and one component of that for me is adding another church to the routine - the more my husband pulls away.

It's heart wrenching for me.  My husbands voice is important to me - my Creator's voice is the one that I have to follow.  When God speaks in a vision as clear as a fire hydrant gushing water - telling me to that I have to show up in a certain place - it isn't about what is comfortable and familiar or even what someone else will think; it is about testing my understanding against His word and ultimately following His direction, even when it includes a different building, location or time.  Our kids have been welcomed into the youth ministries at this bonus church and that has been incredible.  It's a little crazy just how well the two churches complement each other - where one isn't, the other is.

Sunday morning was a struggle.  By the time I backed out of the driveway Smiley Girl was fairly upset to miss her usual kids class, Miss E was over the moon to be attending both churches and my stomach was a hard knot because there wasn't peace with the one person on earth that there should be - my husband.  The gentle slide into some old patterns became a gushing water slide pushing us away from each other.  

The entire drive I questioned my motivation and His leading.  Walking into our church I was torn between that previously mentioned iron pride and complete uncertainty - until the first stanza of the first song.  

God had me hooked as song after song, word after word, tear after tear, I poured my heart out to Him.  The stomach ache loosened, peace washed over me, joy filled my heart.  

Because of the service times it worked perfectly so say goodbye to one congregation for the week and quickly join a second one.  The heart restoring work that had begun at our church continued in this second one, my presence there confirmed by a gallon of water the pastor brought to illustrate a point.  Hello fire hydrant!  Who but God.  This wasn't me wanting something, this was all about God telling me that I was right where I needed to be.  

I wish so much that I could capture the way my heart felt.  I wish that there were words or a picture to convey how amazing it is to be there when God shows up.  I wish that I could show some exact formula to reproduce that same feeling - I mean, I can - listen and show up! - but I can't predict the exact time of your results.  But having experienced it I NEVER WANT TO TAKE MY EYES OFF OF HIM. 

I don't know what this looks like going forward.  Honestly, I can hear voices from the past telling me that God can't use me if my heart is split between two buildings.  I hear teaching that I should always allow my husband to lead and that God will bless me if I hold back.  My human heart and my head hurt from trying to sort this out but when I call on God I'm reminded that when I seek Him I will find Him.  He shows me that crazy fire hydrant and fills me with verses reminding me that the battle belongs to Him, that He will fight for me, that this is the way to walk, that my heart shouldn't be troubled, that He is life, abundant and full.  And those promises are promises that I'm claiming over this crazy double church problematic(?) blessing. 😀

Isaiah 55

Jeremiah 29:13

1 Samuel 17:47

Exodus 14:14

Isaiah 30:21

John 14:27

John 10:10