Daughter, I let you fall...

 I love the way that God shows up in unexpected ways.  I actually just finished a lesson on this with my girls by cracking four eggs open to reveal the contents.  Before cracking the first one I asked what they expected would be inside.  Obviously an egg would hold a white and a yolk - they may have thought I was a touch crazy.  I cracked a second egg, again asking what they thought would be inside.  A third egg was cracked with the same prediction and results.  They predicted the same outcome for the fourth egg and discovered that the egg was empty.  An unexpected result because they did not know that I had previously blown the contents of the egg out - showing them that God reveals Himself in unexpected ways.  

And that exact point is what brings me to writing tonight.   

For most of my life I have struggled with one particular thing that I know is a sin.  I'm not going to name it here because perhaps this very thing that is a sin for me isn't something the Lord has spoken to you about.  But for me, in my heart where it really counts, I know that it is.  I haven't always listened when it comes to this issue.  I haven't always claimed the truth of 1 Corinthians 10:13 over it.  But I have clearly known that there is a boundary that I should not cross.

I know this because when I step over the line I feel shame and want to hide from God.  This particular area of sin has been a long wrestled one, where I have justified it and excused myself and continued to engage because I'm only hurting myself.  It's a tricky sin in that way; if no one else is harmed we humans think we can take an exemption, right?

In the last year the Lord has really been at work on this in me.  He has shown me that contrary to my belief that I am not always right.  Shocker!  There is actually a trickle down...it isn't just my private sin!  It affects those around me when willful sin prevents me from an intimate connection with the Holy of Holies.  And after years of this struggle I finally understood WHY He cares about it so much and in so many ways I have overcome this battle.

And this begins the real story...

Earlier this week I was reading in Matthew 24 and 25 about Jesus return and the ten virgins parable.  And honestly, I felt a sense of superiority.  I won't fall for a false Christ. (Mt 24:23-25)  I would have been prepared if I were one of the virgins.  I would have been sure to have extra oil with me. (Mt 25:1-13)   I mean, can't you just hear Harriet Olsen's voice coming through in this certainty?

God, ever faithful, whispered "Are you sure?"

And you know what?  Instead of asking Him to strengthen me I made sure to tell Him how positive I was that I had it alllll under control!  #theaudacity!

Fast forward to yesterday and the idea popped into my head to take a step across that boundary line.  I entertained it for a while before deciding that there really wasn't any reason not to.  Other than that I had already claimed victory and there was no sense going back!  But what fun is that, right?  So I stepped right across the boundary line and found myself plopped right in the middle of the sin that I had promised the Lord I was don't with.

You can probably imagine how it plays out from here.   I ran with it.  And then I sat with it.  And finally I confessed it, asking forgiveness for taking that stupid step.

It was forgiven and thrown as far as the east is from the west at the moment of my asking, the Bible promises me that. (Psalm 103:12) But God allowed me to sit with it a little longer.  The bright light of reality wasn't dimmed until a moment of breakthrough while standing in a crowd this morning.   

"Daughter, I let you fall for a reason.  You had to see how easy it was to fall in order to understand what I mean when I say to be ready."

He continued "See the way that you are standing in this crowd but feeling all alone?  That's what it feels like to be apart from me.  Sin keeps us apart."

And that's where I sit tonight.  Brokenhearted that I let my Jesus down, resting in the certainty that He has forgiven me, completely humbled and so thankful that He chose to speak through this situation.  What an incredible Savior - showing up in an unexpected way, to show me -forgive me - discipline me and ultimately lead me.  Thank you Jesus! 💖