Looking back at 2019

Last year I talked a little about choosing a Word of the Year.  {Well, I thought I did but not really actually.  😂  Carry on.}

I had chosen Seek as my word for the year and I had jotted these reminders next to the word Seek to remind myself of some practical applications for my word:

• Ask for the help that I need.  (This is something that I am terrible about doing.)
• Discover new opportunities.
• Try hard things.

Taking it further, I had chosen Jeremiah 29:13 as the verse that I claimed for the year.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  Jeremiah 29:13

Overall I think that the word of the year was a good direction for me!  It provided a sort of true north for times when life got overwhelming and I forgot where I was heading.

I also took time to define some goals for myself and our family for the year.  This was the first time that I had ever really taken time to do that.  I started off well but have a hard time planning too far ahead.  And I always find that life takes me to different places in July than it looked like I was heading in January.  Perhaps you can relate?

Some of the things that I had identified for 2019 were:

• embrace mental rest
• to find a place of peace financially
• figure out childcare for the summer before the summer actually arrived (This is where my word of the year really came into play!  I *HATE* asking for help!)
• camp more than once
• look for opportunities to involve the girls in serving

Looking back at the year I can say that identifying some of those things really helped me!  I spent a good amount of the winter being intentional about my time rather than filling my days with constant noise and distraction.  I read the book Sacred Rest by Sandra Dalton-Smith and found that to be really helpful.  I plan to re-visit it again this winter.

Financially speaking, I discovered that this has been a really hard area for me to find rest.  I will say that there have been a couple of things in the past that have affected this area for us.  One being that TDM and I were both self employed for a number of years.  We were constantly robbing Peter to pay Paul in order to keep everything working.  It always ended up working, but there was always a sense of feast or famine and waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Another thing is that in 2017 I took over my business fully due to my mom's health and subsequent death.  That business has always been successful but dividing it by one instead of two makes a huge difference.  

Having said all of that...I still struggled in my heart no matter what our bank balance was.  I was afraid to ever spend money and then would end up almost binge spending because we had gone without certain things for so long.  In late 2017 I had asked the Lord to really reveal my heart and His ability in this area.  And in late 2019 I realized that He really had!  I still have that struggle come along but I know Who it belongs to, so I crunch the numbers the way that I know how to, bring it to TDM's attention and then trust the One who knows how it is going to work out. 

The one exception to this area of finances was when TDM bought a truck the day after Christmas in 2018.  I can laugh about it now and actually appreciate the truck for the nice qualities that it has (hello air conditioned seats)...but at the time...I was spitting mad.  We ended up taking the Financial Peace class that our church offered in January and together we created a budget and together we have been trying to make financial decisions.  It isn't a perfect science but it is definitely improving.

As far as the childcare angle...the girls ended up attending a short overnight camp, two different day camps and Elizabeth attended a week long overnight camp.  My dad was willing to step in wherever needed and my sister in law also pitched in for a few of my out of town trips.  That allowed me blocks of uninterrupted time to work without worrying about the kids.  More and more I am able to work from home, which is super nice and super hard at the same time.  I am always thankful when someone offers to get the kids out of the house for even a few hours.  But overall the summer worked pretty well.

Camping did not work out so well - we only were able to sneak away once and that took place in September.  We cabin camped for the first time ever, it definitely made the some logistics easier and some harder. I am pretty sure that 2020 will bring the sale of our camper just because we never use it - but you never know.  Even if WE don't use it  it provides a nice option for extra beds when we have company.

Serving came easily this year.  Again, the girls age makes this a bit easier but also our church is super involved in the community and that offers a lot of opportunities.  During the winter we made breakfast burritos for an outgoing missions trip, in May the girls and I served however we were needed when our church sponsored a Feeding America truck.  We packed Thanksgiving dinner bags for the Bountiful Harvest ministry and spent a few hours one afternoon in December bell ringing for The Salvation Army.

One of the highlights with regard to serving was when the group returned from the missions trip.  They had gone to an area of Florida that was still cleaning up from Hurricane damage.  Listening to each member of that group share their experience the Lord gave me a glimpse of our future.  One day I am confident that there will be a trip that will change our family forever.  I love that our church is mission minded - both close to home and far away.  I love that our kids are growing up seeing tangible ways to minister to others and can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for us.

I personally went through a really hard time in July.  I learned something that I didn't want to learn and then had to make a choice of what to do with the knowledge.  It took me through a dark time and ultimately I had to be willing to cling to Jesus more than any other person or thing.  He walked me step by step through that storm and showed up in ways that leave me in awe.  At each step Bible verses that had been memorized would come to my mind.  A new decision would come along and my heart would burst forth into song, reminding me that I didn't walk alone.  I was reminded over and over that God doesn't give us a spirit of fear.  I was reminded that I could be brave in the face of uncertainty.  I was reminded that Jesus is beautiful and literally the only thing that I need!  Honestly, I never want to walk that road again but because of that road I KNOW who holds my future and I know that I never once walked alone.

All in all, Seek was a good direction for 2019.