The 5:49 Voice

My husband is convinced that I have no heart, because when we went to see Marley and Me in the theatre I didn't cry until the very, very, very end.  Heartless, right?

That's just me. 

Except that every now and then something will tug my heartstrings a bit and tonight it is this video: http://www.liftable.com/andreadcombs/thank-mom/

I don't know how to make it all pretty here in blog land.  I might be able to figure it out but it's late and I'm tired and I am particularly tired of trying to figure out how to make things work the way that I want them to on the computer. 

It's been a day.

Anyway, I am not heartless, but I have been a bit stretched and impatient with my girls lately.  Because, you see, every morning.  EVERY one of them - including Saturday and Sunday - a little voice starts talking to me at or before 5:49.  IN THE MORNING. 

"Mama, the sun not up."
"Mama, my jammies not zipped."
"Mama, I wanna sumpa ta eat."  (Eat is heavily emphasized and drawn out.)
"Mama, I have brown eyes.  And Baba have brown eyes.  And Dadda have brown eyes.  Not you, un uh, you green eyes.  And not Anna, no, no, no, Anna have green eyes."

And it goes on all day long.

"I want Julius."
"I like Monkey.  You like Monkey, mama?"
"Worry Bear silly mama."
"Not nap yet. Nap after pick-a Baba up."
"I miss Dadda."
"Mama.  Mama.  Mama.  I like you."
"Mama, Mama, Mama."  {dead silence}
"You a mean.  I want Dadda."
"Annapapasnewhouseyouleavememama.  Go a work."

And I love this little voice.  But it doesn't stop.

In the car it is "Kristof song.  Not Anna song.  Kristof.  Krrrrrriiiissstttoooffffff!  Not dat song!  Kristof song.  And Sven.  Sven silly Mama."  Which will often be followed by "It's late!" because the sun is still struggling to come up when Miss E heads off to school in the morning.

And then it's time for me and the Voice to head home for the day.  Together.  All day.

I love this little voice.  But it becomes draining. 

And I want to embrace it.  I want to enjoy it way more than I do.  I want to stop and talk to it.

But there are so many voices in this life that sometimes I dream of staring at a blank wall in silence until I can stand silence no more.

It feels like I can barely breathe at times.  Just five minutes I tell myself.  Five minutes of no voices and I will be okay.  But five isn't enough.  And somehow I never want five minutes of no voices...because I need that little voice as much as I need silence.

So I should be in bed right now, but I watched the video and it grabbed my heartstrings...and made me wish for the voice that has chattered all day.  Because I love that voice even when I am worn out from hearing it by 9:00 am.  I love that voice even when it is upset that I don't understand.  I love that voice when it sings so loudly I wish that my hearing would cease to exist.  And I am thankful for a reprieve while she sleeps but I can count on hearing it again at 5:49 am. 

"Mama, you have green eyes?"
"Mama, I wanna sumpa ta eat."

My mom job is important.  My 'Voice' listener job is too.  Overwhelming.  Tedious.  Incredible.  Mind numbing.  And amazing.  Don't forget amazing.