Decision Time
{Written a few days ago, finally ready to share my heart on this.}
It is 5:00 on a Monday afternoon and I am sitting in an unexpectedly quiet office. The office that I have called my own for too long to remember.
It was mine long before TDM swept in to steal my heart.
And long before infertility raised it's ugly head.
It was my office after Miss E entered the scene,
and it remained even after Smiley Girl arrived.
It has been a place of freedom and focus, income and quiet, sweat and determination.
And within a few weeks it will be a place that I look back at, but probably not forward again.
Decision time has come.
Two years ago I sat at this desk pouring my heart out to my business partner, best friend and mom (one in the same, by the way) expressing that I felt as though God were asking me to give up the business. And I didn't know the details of how it could work, because we needed my income, but I just couldn't shake the feeling that giving it up was God's way of moving me on.
But I didn't do it.
And then last summer arrived, and through a whole bunch of choices our family relied on my business to support us while TDM pursued a direction other than trucking.
And now we are at this summer. And every day that I head off to work I struggle with the fact that I am coercing my kids to go to the babysitter's house. Again. And not that it's a bad place to be because it's a pretty great place that the Lord opened the door for. And it's not that they don't enjoy being there because once they are there they have a blast. It's more that they have to. And I hate that they have to because of my choices.
And I struggle with the stressors that come from working. And I struggle with the fact that it doesn't seem like there is enough money to go around even though we have a more steady income now than we have ever had.
But most of all I struggle with the still, small voice that keeps whispering to me "How much do you trust ME?"
You see, two years ago when that voice spoke it wasn't a whisper. It was a loud and clear instruction to obey.
But I didn't obey.
Because fear is a pretty strong emotion and I chickened out. I didn't know HOW I could obey.
I turned my back and went on as usual.
And then one year ago, being the breadwinner for our family seemed like the right thing to do. It felt like every door was opening that direction. Except that midway through the summer when I pursued additional work doors weren't just being closed, they were firmly slammed.
And I think back to late last summer, throughout the fall and the early months of Winter and I don't ever want to go there again. Yet I also know that we had to go through those months to be were we are today. As man and wife, as children of God, as a family that puts our faith where our mouths are.
Several weeks ago I learned that a big client of ours was cutting our work by over a quarter. No warnings, no explanation, just over and done and not even a feeble 'sorry'. Kaput.
Ouch.
My stomach sunk and I really, really, really just wanted to hit someone to make me feel better. Except that isn't an answer, just a reaction.
I wanted to quit so badly.
And suddenly that loud and clear instruction that had become a still, small voice began to gently speak again. "Do you trust Me?"
I began to pray specifically about this business. Asking the Lord to show me exactly what He had in mind. And I asked Him to show me that TDM would be supportive.
And he answered both. Once by TDM's over the moon positive response when I brought it up and then again by the passage in Matthew 21 that talks about Jesus withering a fig tree and then his reply of (v.21) "Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done."
So I am closing the doors on my first child and effectively telling this mountain to throw itself into the sea.
God has this! I just need unwavering faith without a single ounce of doubt!
BFF / business partner / mom extradorinaire and I are working through the details of calling it quits. The business has some financial obligations that we need to meet and there is still some work to be done on our current project.
Would you pray along with me that my faith will not waiver in the coming days?
It is 5:00 on a Monday afternoon and I am sitting in an unexpectedly quiet office. The office that I have called my own for too long to remember.
It was mine long before TDM swept in to steal my heart.
And long before infertility raised it's ugly head.
It was my office after Miss E entered the scene,
and it remained even after Smiley Girl arrived.
It has been a place of freedom and focus, income and quiet, sweat and determination.
And within a few weeks it will be a place that I look back at, but probably not forward again.
Decision time has come.
Two years ago I sat at this desk pouring my heart out to my business partner, best friend and mom (one in the same, by the way) expressing that I felt as though God were asking me to give up the business. And I didn't know the details of how it could work, because we needed my income, but I just couldn't shake the feeling that giving it up was God's way of moving me on.
But I didn't do it.
And then last summer arrived, and through a whole bunch of choices our family relied on my business to support us while TDM pursued a direction other than trucking.
And now we are at this summer. And every day that I head off to work I struggle with the fact that I am coercing my kids to go to the babysitter's house. Again. And not that it's a bad place to be because it's a pretty great place that the Lord opened the door for. And it's not that they don't enjoy being there because once they are there they have a blast. It's more that they have to. And I hate that they have to because of my choices.
And I struggle with the stressors that come from working. And I struggle with the fact that it doesn't seem like there is enough money to go around even though we have a more steady income now than we have ever had.
But most of all I struggle with the still, small voice that keeps whispering to me "How much do you trust ME?"
You see, two years ago when that voice spoke it wasn't a whisper. It was a loud and clear instruction to obey.
But I didn't obey.
Because fear is a pretty strong emotion and I chickened out. I didn't know HOW I could obey.
I turned my back and went on as usual.
And then one year ago, being the breadwinner for our family seemed like the right thing to do. It felt like every door was opening that direction. Except that midway through the summer when I pursued additional work doors weren't just being closed, they were firmly slammed.
And I think back to late last summer, throughout the fall and the early months of Winter and I don't ever want to go there again. Yet I also know that we had to go through those months to be were we are today. As man and wife, as children of God, as a family that puts our faith where our mouths are.
Several weeks ago I learned that a big client of ours was cutting our work by over a quarter. No warnings, no explanation, just over and done and not even a feeble 'sorry'. Kaput.
Ouch.
My stomach sunk and I really, really, really just wanted to hit someone to make me feel better. Except that isn't an answer, just a reaction.
I wanted to quit so badly.
And suddenly that loud and clear instruction that had become a still, small voice began to gently speak again. "Do you trust Me?"
I began to pray specifically about this business. Asking the Lord to show me exactly what He had in mind. And I asked Him to show me that TDM would be supportive.
And he answered both. Once by TDM's over the moon positive response when I brought it up and then again by the passage in Matthew 21 that talks about Jesus withering a fig tree and then his reply of (v.21) "Truly I tell you, if you have faith and do not doubt, not only can you do what was done to the fig tree, but also you can say to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and it will be done."
So I am closing the doors on my first child and effectively telling this mountain to throw itself into the sea.
God has this! I just need unwavering faith without a single ounce of doubt!
BFF / business partner / mom extradorinaire and I are working through the details of calling it quits. The business has some financial obligations that we need to meet and there is still some work to be done on our current project.
Would you pray along with me that my faith will not waiver in the coming days?
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